The Bridal Show

It was as I feared - a David Lynch experience filled with 18 year old bridezillas, princess dresses, punch fountains, and midgets. OK well maybe not midgets.

It was PACKED, so much so that you had to stand in line to get in. As we stood there (me wearing a tacky yellow bride to be sticker which still haunts me) I knew that it was likely not worth the wait but felt compelled to stick it out. We squeezed into the cattle car of a show to shuffle around looking at booths with DJs, limos, rented equipment, dresses, florists, etc. I even entered for a few drawings which was likely a mistake that will fill my mailbox with unwanted crap for years to come.

But in general my thought throughout the whole experience was - who gives a crap? I mean seriously - do candles with "Frenchie & Alexis Forever" really speak to our relationship in any meaningful way? And the princess bridal dresses completely with Miss America tiaras, what the hell is going on with that? And am I the last person in America who still see Limos as something that harkens back to high school proms? Having some overly tan greaseball drive me around on my special day doesn't really say anything other than "unnecessary $500 expense." Hell my Dad has a nicer car and he doesn't smell funny - maybe I can get him to drive me around for free.

So far planning our wedding (and we don't really have much of a plan yet) has been more of a process of self-discovering. We are discovering that most of the traditional wedding trappings simply aren't us. We want to get wedding with great friends, great wine, and great food. Most everything else is just details. So we'll continue figuring out how this is all going to work. But I hope that it will be monogrammed unity candle free....

Veil of Darkness

Its 10:00 am and its dark out. Dark enough that I had to turn lights on to get dressed. Dark enough that I had to turn lights on to work. The sky is so grey that its literally blocking out the sun. Ugh.

So what have I learned about VT since I got here? Well lets see...

#1 - Only children play soccer. I did manage to get on 2 teams. One is all college students and the other all high school students. One girl told me she was a Sophomore - I thought, "please God let her mean a sophomore in COLLEGE" but she wasn't. Before meeting these teams I had offered to bring beer to the occasional game. Frenchie teased me, "You'll have to wait a few years until your team mates are legal."

#2 - Weddings here are expensive. I had hoped that since we now live in rural VT that they would actually be cheaper but not so much. How can it cost $85/person for dinner? I mean we're talking steak and shrimp here. So why $85? Because its a wedding and you end up paying a small fortune to celebrate your love with people you care about. And don't get me started on all the little fees they tack on to everything. You want to use the bathroom? Oh that's EXTRA.

#3 - There are too many women here wearing those Christmas sweaters that you laugh at in the store. The large red cardigan with sequined santas dancing around the collar and shiny strings of lights circling the sleeves. The ones that invariably are marked down 80% after Christmas because they are so horrifying they can barely give them away. Well now I know where they find homes - VT.

So there's the report for now. We're going to a Bridal Show on Sunday which I'm sure will be a fertile source of more comments so check back for more ;)

Merry Christmas from Essex Junction

Where the hell is Essex Junction? Admittedly I didn't know until recently but its a small town near a slighly larger yet still small town called Burlington here in VT. Its great to be here. And by great I mean disconcerting. And by disconcerting I mean absolutely strange.

Don't get me wrong - I've been waiting for months to get to VT. Only now that I'm here I feel strangely disconnected. I don't know anybody. I can't remember how to get to the grocery store. There is snow on the ground but its 50 degrees out. Just a strange turn of events from the girl who until last week was a high-tech employee in CA.

I've been here 5 days and have watched an unforgiveable amount of TV. Course in addition to being jobless and friendless, I'm actually carless. Presumably prefering the more temperate climate my car has decided to stay in CA. Well not exactly true but it has yet to be picked up by the shipping company so my only mode of transportation is feet.

And yes, the REAL reason I'm here is of course my beloved fiance Frenchie. He is a doll and is doing his best to entertain. But I think I still need a little time to adjust through the strange feeling of not belonging here...

damnit

I was all prepared to leave my job at the end of January. Till my boss offered the chance to work remotely, "indefinitely." All of a sudden, Frenchie and I were a dual income household, one that could afford things like new garage door openers and drapes. Mentally my contuned and unexpected income was already spent.

Until today when he called to let me know that he had mispoke.

Ugh.

Such Strange Circumstances

So many strange things have happened in the past few weeks I'm at a loss as to where to begin.

Good Strange
My friends threw me a surprise wedding shower 2 weeks ago! I suppose this may not strike some as qualifying as particularly bizarre, but I had never imagined myself as the girl with the phallic deeliepoppers drinking Champaign while my friends extolled the virtues of a particular brand of lubricant. The party started with the obligated shower activities like pin the whazzits on the thatzit but quickly degenerated into the most solidly enjoyable drunken allnighter that I've enjoyed in years.

Around 6:00 am we had the bright idea to make some herbal tea trusting that a cup or two of Chinese flowers would be more than adequate to make up for the past 8 hours of excess. Sadly this wasn't the case but in hindsight, you have to applaud the logic.

Bad Strange
The Ex of my Ex who I have never met sent me an email this week. They started dating soon after the end of our long and mutually excruciating breakup. Unfortunately she was the rebound girl who wanted to be the girlfriend. I don't know the specifics but apparently their 2 year on/off relationship was defined by hopeful enthusiasm on her part matched by neglectful apathy on his. Needless to say this has left her feeling a bit down about the whole experience.

Her letter however, was to apologize for the fact that she now believes my Ex and I were still together at the time they started dating. However I'm fairly sure this is not the case. What's worse is that I'm fairly certain that the reason she believes this is that in actuality, he and I flirted with getting back together while THEY were dating. We didn't. We were both too bruised by the angst and heartache of the breakup. But given her email, I'm fairly certain she would be less than delighted to know that he and I were still circling about each other while they were dating.

Also,if he HAD cheated (which I can't entirely rule out), it would have been over 2 years ago yet for some reason she now felt the need to unburden and make amends. Why now? Maybe it is genuine guilt. Although I suspect, as they broke up 6 months ago and apparently she is still mourning the loss, it has more to do with her desire to still feel connected to him. And that perhaps being connected to me would help on that front. Who knows.

I haven't written back yet but I will. When I figure out what to say.

What the Man Says....

Well my boss initially seemed quite keen on finding a way to keep me on board. Then this morning the VP of Marketing came by to suggest a resource for people navigating career changes. This was predicated on the belief that I would need to change careers to find a position in VT as presumably I will need a new job. This seems to be a strong indication that decisions at the executive suite aren't going as I might have hoped.

C'est la vies.

On a completely different note, I had a horrendous run in with a sort-of friend this weekend. The sort-of friend is someody that I was really good friends with when we first met but that that initial pop of friendship has waned over the years into a lingering relationship that exists primarily as a nod to the fact that she was very supportive when I went through a painful breakup 2 years ago. It is a strange phenomenon that has kept us together this long. A relationship driven primarily by guilt and a sense of obligation.

She was the friend that was nutty but you sort-of overlooked the nuttiness of this sort-of friend trying to chalk it up to being quirky instead of raw insanity. Well she unleashed her raw insanity on me Friday night and it was U-G-L-Y. It was one of those scenes I wouldn't have believed could actually happen outside of the Jerry Springer studio. Something so out of hand that I can't find the words to describe it other than to say I hope to never witness anything like it ever again.

On the upside, I won't have to maintain the sort-of friendship any longer. Which after all this time, comes as more of a relief than I would have expected.

Good News!

Well despite my alarming stress-induced boil and loud misgivings, I managed to spill the beans to the boss this morning.

I was surprised and hopeful by his response. It was simply this, "What do you want?" Well I want to keep my job, salary, benefits, move to VT and continue to work here but have absolutely no expectation of that being a reasonable request. So I asked, "What do YOU want?"

"I want you to stay on the project."

OK its not a guarantee but its about 1,000% more positive than the response I had been prepared for. I didn't even think that full time remote employment was even within the realm of possibility. So now I'm all giddy and excited. Maybe I won't end up managing an Olive Garden after all.

Tomorrow 10:00 AM PST

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my boss. I actually like him. He leaves me alone, helps when I ask for it, and is generally supportive. All of these things are rare.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to tell him that Jan 2 is my last day. There has been much debate among my friends as to if this is too much notice. But I'm leaving him in a bad spot and I wouldn't feel right about waiting much longer. Also I won't know if I'll be allowed to work remotely until I come clean about my plan to flee the scene. And plus, sneaky just isn't my thing.

So I've been waiting for this day for MONTHS. And yet as the clock winds down to our meeting, I'm feeling increasingly unsettled about it. I have butterflies. I'm distracted. And the little pimple on my cheek has expanded to a full boil. At this rate I fear its simply pausing on the path to growing into a fully formed second head. And there is a little voice inside my head (or maybe it is the growing consciousness of what will soon be my second head) saying, "Wait."

Unfortunately I can't tell if this is a wise voice that I should listen to or simply the voice of fear of the unknown.

The longer I wait, the less I look like a team player. The less I look like a team player, the less likely he is to go to bat for me to work remotely.

The longer I wait the more painful it will be for him when I give notice, the more negotiating leverage I have.

The sooner I give notice the sooner I can stop feeling guilty about not giving notice.

The sooner I give notice the sooner I can "work from home" to actually spend some time in VT with Frenchie.

The sooner I give notice the sooner I can find out if I need to find a new job in VT or will be able to keep my own.

Thoughts? Hmmm....

Happy Halloween

A good if largely unsatisfying weekend.

Frenchie came to town which is always a mixed blessing. As desperate as I am to see him, his departure leaves me feeling hollow and lost. Two more months - I'll manage. But I'm feeling frayed by our distant homeless lifestyle.

He also had his first American Halloween, complete with costume party, costume, brain-shaped jello molds, etc. He was adorable as Pepe le Pew. I sadly was a bit less exciting as "nameless cat" or "Object of Pepe's desire."

It was a lovely party but it was yet another example of the fact that I have reached the Age of the Crossroads. When in your 20's a party invitation is unquestionably an invitation to hang with other 20 year olds who will be imbibing heavily. The odds of seeing some mismatched pair making out behind the ficus tree are high. And you don't plan on leaving the party before midnight. As you creep into your late 20's the basic party math stays the same only the odds of the hookup behind the tree decrease and the odds that most of the party guests will COME as couples increases.

Somewhere in the early 30's the party scene takes a subtle but unambiguous turn. Specifically, people start bringing children. And there is nothing like awkwardly downing an Irish Car Bomb under the unwavering gaze of a sober 10 year old to make you realize that its time for the have and the have nots (kids) to diverge socially for a while.

Then on Sunday we had a slightly hungover soccer game where the upper division league champs handed us our asses on a platter. I expected to loose. But I don't know what hurt more, the 0:3 score or their happy laughter as they blithly lobbed shot after shot at our poor and largely undefended goalie. Ugh.

5 days till D-day (I give notice at work on Friday).

Another Option

What if I just move to VT with Frenchie, skip the whole career path, get knocked up and do the housewife thing. Personally I think I would love it.

My fear is that I know dropping out of the workforce has the same effect of buying a new car - your resale value drops the minute you drive off the lot. And when the day comes to re-enter the rat race, it can be a real uphill climb.

Hmmmm....me a housewife?

Door # 3

A friend was bitching at work today. Only today was different. Today the bitching bothered me. Because it was combined with apathy. And it got me thinking.

I think you have a few choices. Only they are discrete, you have to pick one.

#1 Bitch about work. Try to make change.
#2 Accept work for what it is and shuttupaboutit.

Bitching with no interest, thoughts, or initiative to help make it better is kind of a waste of everybody's time. I guess there might be times when you're forced to accept that nothing will change and still need to vent. But I think I was responding badly to the general "not my problem" apathy.

Personally I'm going for door #3 - Moving on. I've bitched at work. I've tried to make changes. And in my fantasy I think I've made a few. But I'm looking forward to moving on. The plan is to come clean on November 7th....

Advice Needed

So....I'm getting ready to give notice. I've always assumed that my boss DOESN'T know that Yves has been in VT since August. But a buddy at work has just suggested that I would be an idiot to think that he doesn't know. Thin walls and all that. So here are my options:

1) Give notice with the "Frenchie JUST got an offer" story. The upside is that if boss DOESN'T know, than this looks the least sneaky. If he DOES, however, I look like a liar and a boob.

2) Give notice with the "Frenchie and I have been trying to make long distance work and it isn't working." Story. The upside is that the boss DOES know, I don't look like a liar and a boob. But if the boss DOES know, than I'm back to looking like a boob. Who does long distance with a fiance?!?! And who does long distance when the distance is ACROSS THE CONTINTINENT!

Ugh.....

SAHM?

3 Weeks till N-Day. N = Notice. As in at work. That I will be leaving.The downside to giving notice is that politically it is very castrating - jerkboy will be empowered to push me out of the way. Frustrating but unavoidable. The upside is that my departure won't be a secret anymore.

And I will get to propose my work-remote plan. Which will either be accepted or rejected. But at least my future job prospects won't be the big gray blob of unknown that it is right now.

So lets say my work-remote plan doesn't fly. Then what?

Option #1
Find a new job. Sure I don't see many or any prospects in VT. And sure I don't really love what I do anyway. But the extra cash would really come in handy for Frenchie and I. Also work tends to be the primary place one makes new friends and being new to town and friendless could be a bit of a bummer.

Option #2
Get knocked up and join the Stay At Home Mom bus. Which is both appealing and scary. I like the idea of being a good Mom and raising my own children. Of not rushing my kids off to daycare so I can make some BS work meeting. Of not having co-workers look at me askew as I leave at 4:00 each day to shuttle kids around. On the other hand, can I really stay home alone every day with an infant and not go totally bonkers?

Hmmmm.....

Huh?!?!?

So Jerkboy and I have been doing the he-said/she-said dance for 3 months. Frustrating, unprofessional, annoying.

What gives me pause for thought is that people seem so ready to believe him. Is he somehow more believable than I am? Am I somehow UN believable? Or is it simply that I would be ashamed to make so public a fuss about another co-worker. Thus he is the relative "squeaky wheel" and gets all the oil.

He presented our (my?) product to the company this morning with all of the passion and entheusiasm of a mouldy potato. Man he is a putz. When I write the great american novel, he will have to be a character. The skinny balding guy who has the unfortunate luck to be balding from the back in that awkward monkish way. The guy who wears the same glasses as my high-school prom date in 1987. The guy who is so socially uncomfortable that when he laughs it sounds like something between a sneeze and a cough.

Back in Office

Just got back from VT where the fall foliage was frustratingly absent. Apparently all our efforts at global warming are paying off - September was 5 degrees warmer than average and the trees are still a nice tropical green.

Still the main reason to go was to see Frenchie. Somehow all of the stress of the past few weeks evaporated the minute I got off the plane. Work, jerkboy, soccer, everything faded like distance in the fog and while I was there, seemed completely irrelevant. In fact now that I'm back in the office I am still not re-engaged - work still seems really irrelevant. Why am I not in VT with Frenchie right now? Oh thats right....cold hard cash. I'm financially bound to stay here till December. Damnit.

It was great to see Frenchie. Ah the joyous football nap. Big warm boyfriend, chilly nights. Purring cat.

Well have meetings to go to. Stress awaits....

The Smell of Dread

I am minutes from a meeting I have dreaded for days. This meeting, like talking to a crazy person, has the potential to go really really bad.

If by some miracle it doesn't go badly, the execs are going to meet up in the scrum after the meeting to discuss the fate of the team. As a member of the team, that includes me. Things have gotten so toxic that now Dad needs to step in and break up the fight. Part of me is relieved, after months of struggle I would like to move on one way or another. Part of me is horrified that as an adult professional, I actually need "management" to fix a problem for me.

For a while I made my genuine best effort to turn things around. Admittedly after a few months I more or less gave up. I've never been in a work situation with somebody who I felt so genuinely had no interest in relating to me in a positive or professional manner. So admittedly my grand gestures to improve "our working relationship" dried up about 6 weeks ago.

So we shall see how the decision falls. What an ass.

Suitcase Shuffle

What is the statue of limitations for living in a suitcase? I think I've hit it. Only I'm facing 3 more months of suitcase life. And its not even really suitcase living. My stuff has expanded out of a suitcase into a myriad of bags (I knew I was holding on to that fancy Nordstroms shopping bag for a good reason) based loosely on category of bagged item. Does this make me a bag lady?

Frenchie has moved to VT and thankfully, our stuff has arrived. He was chafing under the empty house lifestyle although it was only for a week. Now he is unpacking all of our worldly possessions, undoubtedly in places I will find disagreeable and thus will be Ms. Controlling next weekend when I'm actually there rearranging all his hard work.

He has also discovered that our new house has mice. Understandable given our somewhat rural location. So I wonder if my 17 year old cat will be able to keep them at bay? Now I'm harboring horrible images of my poor slightly senile sweet kitty being overrun by insolent mice who take advantage of her toothless status to start sleeping on her for warmth.

Had a nice weekend with the roommates. They are fun people and I will miss them when I move out on Wednesday. Course they are also horrible slobs and thus it will be nice to sit on the couch without having to look for candy wrappers first. And last night one of them let loose to such a degree that the entire livingroom became temporarily uninhabitable.

Still, need to move on to a cheaper abode. My new roomate is a sweet person and we'll have fun. Although it will be very girly fun. Her favorite network is Lifetime TV. Yowza....

Laugh and the World Laughs With You...

Cry and you're forced to spew in a blog because nobody wants to listen to you whine....

HOUSING
I'm tired of living out of a suitcase. I still feel like a guest in the house. Its so freekin hot I can't sleep at night. And despite the fact that cleaning ladies come every week I can't get over the fact that the bathroom feels gross. And yes the lack of sleep is not helping me feel like the delightful petunia I know I should be.

BOSS
I can't even complain about "a" boss because it feels like I have about 8. In fact who exactly is NOT my boss? I've been spending my days being micromanaged eight ways from Sunday and I'm ready to spit blood about it.

TEAM
Your team are supposed to be your homeys, right? Your buddies? Guys who have your back? People you go to lunch with to joke about how much you hate everybody who's NOT on your team. Unless of course various teammates missed the teamwork class and instead use every opportunity to undermine you and sneak around behind your back causing trouble. Its like sleeping with snakes. Only you can't really fall asleep because they keep wriggling around in bed and you never know what exactly they are doing down there.

BOYFRIEND
Yes I love him, all the way. But he is a HUGE slob. In our previous house he had his own room to slob around in. Now that we are sharing a room, his slobby mess is my slobby mess. I step through his socks and underpants each morning and I'll tell you, it is NOT sexy. Picking through dirty underpants on a regular basis does NOT encourage sexy thoughts. In fact the only thought going through my mind is, "Dear ghads, what the hell is going on with this guy and why can't he keep his underpants corralled in one corner of the room!"

SOCCER FRIENDS
Yes I love them and in general they are great people. But one called last night to let me know that somebody was whining about the fact that I order them around on the field. So I asked, "Can you give me some examples of when I've been too bossy?" And was told, "Yeah, she just said you are always telling her to go line, or get open, that sort of thing." OK so she is just the messenger and I DO have a big mouth on the soccer field. But frankly- that's how you play soccer! You talk on the field! You coordinate with your team! Its not like I'm yelling at people or criticizing anybody. I'm trying to make plays happen and I can't do that when people stand around watching me loose the ball because I have nobody to pass to.

Especially irksome as I go out of my WAY to compliment EVERYBODY I play with on a regular basis. Doesn't matter how bad you suck I will find something positive to say. But apparently that goes unnoticed. But the time I told you to drop back for the pass - yeah that was WAY out of line. Grrr....

Its sort of a no-win situation. I play with weaker people because I like them and we have fun. But then they are upset with the fact that I'm trying to coordinate our movements on field a bit better because, well, its been a whole YEAR and we haven't won ONE SINGLE GAME. But they just want to have fun and play recreationally so my on-field coaching isn't appreciated. But then I started a more competitive team with players who are looking to practice, work with a coach, etc. and the people who want to play recreationally are upset because they weren't invited to play.

ROOMATE
Fun guy. Adult child. Now that our financial fortunes are no longer tied I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. But its a good thing we moved out because I don't think I could keep a straight face about his crap anymore. Uh....hello?

-When you have unprotected sex with a child you CANNOT play the victim when she gets pregnant.
-When you race your motorcycle at insane speeds so that you could CLEARLY not avoid any unforeseen obstacles you CANNOT cry foul when you put your bike down because there is a patch of dirt in the road.
- When you complain about women being "fat pigs" because they are 5 lbs overweight you sound insane. Most 40 year old men don't restrict their dating to twiggy 24 year olds. Or if they do it is because they are much richer than you are.

OK that feels better. Now I can get back to work. Phew.

Whirling & Swirling

I have a new ring. A new fiance. A new house. A new apartment. A new state. I am awash in newness. I am drowning in newness.

We moved into the new apartment this week. Its not new to us, our friends have lived there for a year. However as sub-letters it isn't really our house. We're more like squatters. Squeezing our stuff into the closet around the "real" tennants stuff. Intruders who are disrupting the established ebb and flow of the place.

Still on the upside, the house closed today. Its official - we are homeowners. No more lying about pet ownership. No more deposit issues. Whatever happens with this house, there will be no more landlords suspiciously eyeing our credit history. Really its a delightful feeling.

Course the house is new to me as well. So new I haven't actually seen it yet. Although the house itself is not exactly new. Far from it. Still its new to me. And very exciting at that.

The Pissing Contest

On the scale of company politics and inter-personal relationships, I'm not at the top of the heap. In fact on a good day, I probably fall into the middle.

My new team mate started last week and he is so lacking in both areas that he makes me look like Kissinger.

Today is his fourth day and we've already engaged in 3 pissing contests. I can't tell if:
a) He is just an asshole.
b) This is just new-guy insecurity manifesting itself as short-term aggressive posturing.
c) Once I establish my own alpha-male dominance he will recognize me as the big pack dog and back off.
d) Our battle for dominance will make my work life a living hell.

So I am tap-dancing around the issue and avoiding direct confrontation as it seems inappropriate to take the new guy to task before he has even been here one week. But my patience has limits. He is one-email-where-my-boss-is-copied-on-the-message away from a showdown.